davidfcooper

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and
decided to amaze their men.



That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.






The engaged woman: The other night when my boy-friend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.


He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long."







The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.


When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.







The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night.

When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes . . . As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said . . . . . .









"What's for dinner, Batman?"

> A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on
> the door then immediately walked in.
>
> She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the
> couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,' the
> daughter-in-law answered.
>
> 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter in-law said.
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites
> him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
> instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't
> get enough of me.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
> showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put
> on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
> arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
> her lying there so provocatively.
>
> 'What are you doing?' he asked.
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
> 'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'
> He never heard the shot.

Subject: Who do I look like?



A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?â€

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him," she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

> Moshe Finkel was in the fertilized egg business. He
> had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and
> eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the
> eggs.
>
> Moshe kept records, and any rooster or pullet that
> didn't perform well went into the dinner pot, and was
> replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Moshe got
> a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
> Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
> efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
>
> Moshe's favorite rooster was old Monsey. A very fine
> specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all
> morning!
>
> Moshe went to investigate.
>
> Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells
> a-ringing, but Monsey had his bell in his beak so it
> couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job
> and walk on to the next one. Moshe was so proud of
> Monsey that he entered him in the county fair.
>
> Monsey was an overnight sensation!
>
> The judges not only awarded him...
>
> The No Bell Piece Prize, but also...
>
> The Pullet Surprise.

The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his achievements.

In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side.

Parking Karma

Moshe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays...."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says "Don't bother, God, I've just found one...."