how important is it that your partner/spouse share your passions?

[davidfcooper]

On Saturday after synagogue we went out for lunch, then went on a long walk ending up at the Brooklyn Heights promenade where we sat and talked before going to a social engagement at the home of friends whose apartment overlooks the harbor.

We talked about our personality differences and where our interests differ and overlap. We concluded that had we met under different circumstances (we were both rather isolated when we met) we probably would not have married and the thing we share most now is a common history.

We identified each of our three main passions and there was no overlap. Shoshana's are food, visual arts, and laughter; mine are sex, language, and the life of the mind. Shoshana's three passions are all enthusiasms of mine, but not my main passions. As for mine, Shoshana enjoys sex but doesn't think about it except when she's doing it or about to, sort of like someone who never thinks about food unless it's put in front of her or unless she's hungry (she also considers the details of other people's sex lives as Too Much Information); she lacks the facility for language to develop much enthusiasm for it: she's an avid reader but reads for content not language (though one of her passions, humor, is often language based); and finally though she is quite intelligent she is not an intellectual and never will be: if I want to have an intelligent conversation with her it has to be in an area of her expertise and interest (transportation, urban planning, disaster planning--especially hurricanes, modern art, sports, politics, and Judaic studies--especially ritual and halacha). It's frustrating that while I discuss her passions knowledgeably and with enthusiasm she doesn't reciprocate, and it makes me feel lonely.

I've screened this post friends only and invite all who read it to comment.

Comments

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[bethr.livejournal.com]

I know them better than anyone else reading this, and have watched, and observed, much. (They do not have children, nor pets even, btw.) And their situation is far more complex than can, or should, be discussed here. So yes, all the emphasis on positivity is great, but doesn't take into account things you don't see on the surface.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[davidfcooper.livejournal.com]

Since Ben asked, for the record we do not have kids because my wife 1) does not want any and 2) has a hormonal condition whose remedy is oral contraception (we don't have pets because of allergies). As for values, apart from the issue of kids we are on the same page wrt money, religion/ethics, and politics. Other ways we are alike? Temperamentally we're both quiet introverted intuitives (but OTOH she's a thinker and I'm a feeler, she's goal oriented and I'm process oriented), we have similar body types, we both maintain fitness regimens and are health conscious pescetarians. I've already mentioned that her passions are also my enthusiasms, but this brings us back to the pain I feel because of her inability to reciprocate. Others have made the point that no other individual can fulfill all of one's needs, but neither of us is a social butterfly and there are only so many hours in the day and days in the week, not to mention managing feelings of jealosy.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

not to mention managing feelings of jealosy

If there is something that you find important to share which you are not getting from her, I would suggest that it is up to her to manage her own jealousy issues if you get them met elsewhere, as long as you are not breaking any agreements.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[davidfcooper.livejournal.com]

You're right, Laurie, but that doesn't make this emotionally any easier for those concerned.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

I know. :-/ It's one of those things where the only way out is through. The rub is always whether the jealous person is interested in making it through or in avoiding the issue in hopes that it will go away, and in whether the non-jealous person can live with the latter in case the former doesn't happen.

I wonder if her reaction would be the same if you shared your top three passions with, say, a male friend? With another woman who wasn't Beth? Is she afraid you will leave her over this issue? Is she more upset that she doesn't share these things, or that you are bothered by the not-sharing?

You don't have to answer these questions, btw. I don't mean to interrogate you. I just find myself curious from a few standpoints, mainly relationship geeking and as someone who's gone through marital counseling (and eventual divorce). I wish you both well. *hug*

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[davidfcooper.livejournal.com]

I emailed you my answers, Laurie.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[virtual-rabbi.livejournal.com]

I get that this is not simple. And that is an interesting "should," since this is, after all, a publicly viewable blog.

A long time ago, I wrote:

The Unilateral Heart, Closing

For a few bright weeks, I was shining
like a star. Now I am like you
negotiating peace, but afraid of love.
Wearing your wristwatch to bed,
never quite naked before me,
our pasts strapped to a roadmap
of drunken sheets, this hellish
season of someone else's timetable
as though we had sinned against
your ageing ex-lover, wild
and dissolute, like Rimbaud,
limping off to colonize Africa,
illuminated between us like a flag,
flying in this desert, unable
to be discussed, impossible to ignore.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[bethr.livejournal.com]

perhaps you should get in touch with David privately to understand a little more about the "shoulds."

PS Have you guys met in person yet? If you haven't, do!

PPS I'm flattered you friended me, and have done so in return. But you must win my trust before you get on any of the really interesting filters!

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[davidfcooper.livejournal.com]

A fine poem, Ben; thanks.

Re: not necessarily what you'd expect me to say

[virtual-rabbi.livejournal.com]

i thought it might speak to the situation you were describing. In any case, so much depends upon a red wheelbarrow. BP