how important is it that your partner/spouse share your passions?

[davidfcooper]

On Saturday after synagogue we went out for lunch, then went on a long walk ending up at the Brooklyn Heights promenade where we sat and talked before going to a social engagement at the home of friends whose apartment overlooks the harbor.

We talked about our personality differences and where our interests differ and overlap. We concluded that had we met under different circumstances (we were both rather isolated when we met) we probably would not have married and the thing we share most now is a common history.

We identified each of our three main passions and there was no overlap. Shoshana's are food, visual arts, and laughter; mine are sex, language, and the life of the mind. Shoshana's three passions are all enthusiasms of mine, but not my main passions. As for mine, Shoshana enjoys sex but doesn't think about it except when she's doing it or about to, sort of like someone who never thinks about food unless it's put in front of her or unless she's hungry (she also considers the details of other people's sex lives as Too Much Information); she lacks the facility for language to develop much enthusiasm for it: she's an avid reader but reads for content not language (though one of her passions, humor, is often language based); and finally though she is quite intelligent she is not an intellectual and never will be: if I want to have an intelligent conversation with her it has to be in an area of her expertise and interest (transportation, urban planning, disaster planning--especially hurricanes, modern art, sports, politics, and Judaic studies--especially ritual and halacha). It's frustrating that while I discuss her passions knowledgeably and with enthusiasm she doesn't reciprocate, and it makes me feel lonely.

I've screened this post friends only and invite all who read it to comment.

Comments

[weret-hekau.livejournal.com]

Everybody was shocked that I wound up with a guy like my husband. Sometimes it seems we have nothing in common. (which isn't really true but there are plenty of differences, a few of which are big and many of which are the sort of thing you talk of here....) As different as we are though, we share some important values.

We've been together 22 years now, and neither of us was isolated or young or naive or anything like that when we met. He was married and divorced several years already and I was quite the party girl at the time, very popular and dating regularly. (in other words....we both had plenty of choices)

How did we wind up together? I'm not even sure. *grin* But I have decided that "soulmates" (and I think we have more than one soulmate in life....not necessarily all of a romantic nature....and it might be best not to rely on one person for everything we need) are not the people most like you but the people that help you grow the most. Greg and I are a good balance in some strange way. People usually say to me "Opposites attract" but we're not really opposite in some very important ways as I mentioned before. (we're both very trustworthy and loyal and responsible and reliable, we share similar attitudes when it comes to things like paying bills, we were sexually compatible, we are "live and let live" kind of people, etc. and so on -- and these things obviously help a marriage work)

Having said all that....I do understand what you're talking about because I find I tend to look to my friends for certain things I cannot get from my husband, particularly the sorts of conversations you mention. Greg is intelligent enough, but if he's not interested in something, he's not interested. He doesn't even pretend and he really can't be bothered to reciprocate. And if I have a thirst for something, I need to feed that need. (i'm having a flash of deja vu....did I have this conversation with someone recently? This topic may not be uncommon.)