Purim humor compendium

[davidfcooper]

HAPPY PURIM!

Dear Compendium Subscribers and Readers,

I am absolutely thrilled to send you this VERY SPECIAL PURIM edition of the Compendium. It is our LARGEST COMPENDIUM EVER, and features classic Purim parodies of the past - many of which you were too drunk when you read them to remember them now! - written by MEISH GOLDISH and LEE WEINBLATT, plus, all new jokes and a very special section of ALL NEW PURIM PARODY MATERIAL written by MEISH GOLDISH and yours truly.

By the way, Meish is the premier orthodox Jewish parody and comedy writer in the world today. You've read his material in The Jewish'Weak' Purim parody as well as on the internet, and in e-mails that get passed around thousands of times, often without knowing it was written by him. (He is the real author of the so-called "Real Jewish Personals" that has been passed around for nearly two decades. It contains my favorite fake personals line ever: "Worried about meddling in-laws? Marry me. I'm an orphan!")

Read, laugh and share and have a GREAT PURIM!

--- DBP

**************************************
THE OYs OF DAF YOMI!...

My friend feels so much better now.
Three weeks ago he was 2711 blatt behind
Today he is only 24 blatt behind!
**********************
[A Classic!]
THE WORLD FAMOUS STORY OF PURIM
by Meish Goldish

The story of Purim is an international tale.
King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti.
“You Congo now!” he ordered her.
After she had Ghana way, the king’s messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.
Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.
“I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me,” Haman scolded Mordechai. “USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas. If you keep this up, Denmark my words. I will have all your people killed. Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey.”
Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothing­-a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king.
The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.
Esther approached the king and asked, “Kenya Belize come to a banquet I’ve prepared for you and Haman?”
At the feast, Esther invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.
The king asked, “Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you.”
Esther replied, “Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people.”
Haman’s loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene.
“It’s not true!” Haman cried. “Iran everything fairly.”
“Sorry, Haman, but I don’t Bolivia,” the king retorted.
“Oman!” Haman muttered. “Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai­-Egypt me!”
Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands. And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well.
“You lost your enemies and Uganda friend,” the king told Mordechai and Esther.
And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.
So now, let’s celebrate! Forget all your Syria’s business and just be happy. Serb up some wine and Taiwan on!
Happy Purim!
**************************
{The next news stories were actually submitted to the Jewish Week, for its Purim Parody edition.]

Kiddush Clubs Observe Siyum HaShots

NEW YORK--On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking.
The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums, and brandies, until every bottle was empty.
"Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition," said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. "We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there's always a fifth."
The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles.
Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots.
"It's shameful," said Shikker. "The OU is waging a whole campaign against us, called 'Now You Siyum, Now You Don't.' But we won't be intimidated."
Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one's davening, or prayers.
"You can't spell spirituality without spirits," he noted.
He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the haftorah "shokkel more during Musaf."
Some rabbis see it differently, however.
"They shokkel because they can't stand straight after all that schnapps," said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. "Or, even worse, they desperately need the bathroom."
Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one's home.
"When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three bottles of Four Roses," said Shikker. "I'm very proud of that."

Nose Filters in Brooklyn

BROOKLYN--As if the current controversy over water filters weren't enough for this ultra-Orthodox New York borough, some rabbinic leaders in Brooklyn are now calling for the wearing of nose filters as well.
"Treif bugs aren't just in our salads and water," said Rabbi Wadda Fenatik. "They're in the very air we breathe, too."
Rabbi Fenatik, head of the Brooklyn Union for No-Nonsense Kashrus, or BUNNK, explained that nose filters would prevent Jews from inhaling microscopic non-kosher specks that float in the air.
"You should only know what's in Brooklyn air," said Fenatik. "We've done lab analyses on random air samples taken from Boro Park, Williamsburg, and Crown Heights. Believe me, there's plenty bad in the air there."
Other borough rabbis agree.
"A nose filter wouldn't just prevent the ingestion of treif bugs," said Rabbi Sucha Tzaddik of Williamsburg. "It would also cleanse the air, making it sweeter to breathe. Let's face it, right now Brooklyn stinks."
Not all rabbis, however, are convinced of the need for nose filters.
"For hundreds of years, Jews in Brooklyn breathed the air without filters," said Rabbi Eliasz Fight of Flatbush. "I don't see the big need for them now."
But Fenatik disagrees.
"Treif is treif," he explained, "whether it's a copepod in a glass of water, a microscopic crustacean in the air, or a delicious Philly Cheese Steak with crispy bacon at Burger King."

Heinz to Mark Israel's 57th Birthday

PITTSBURGH, PA--The H.J. Heinz Company, the condiment manufacturer famous for its "57 Varieties" logo, announced today that it will produce a special line of ketchup to honor Israel's 57th birthday on May 14.
"We're creating a blue-and-white ketchup, fashioned after Israel's flag colors," said Heinz spokesperson Teresa Kerry Shoodawon.
Officials at Heinz, which has previously manufactured novelties such as purple and green ketchups, say the blue-and-white combination will pose no special difficulty.
"All ketchup is basically coagulated tomato juice," explained Shoodawon. "We'll simply extract the red color and inject blue and white instead."
Asked what the new line of ketchup would be called, Shoodawon said, "Tomato Jews."
She explained, "We're designing a plastic bottle in the shape of the Gaza Strip. That way, users can turn the bottle upside down and squeeze the Tomato Jews out of Gaza."
Shoodawon added that if the idea catches on, other bottles will be molded in the shape of the West Bank.
"We want to squeeze the Tomato Jews out of there, too," she said.

PETA Attacks Pita

NEW YORK--After waging a recent war on kosher slaughterhouses, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, better known as PETA, has now taken on a new target: manufacturers of pita bread.
According to PETA spokesperson Ima Morron, the organization is outraged by the way that pita bread is made.
"We visited a pita factory in upstate New York and found many unacceptable practices," said Morron.
"The pita bread is callously flattened and then shoved into an oven so hot, the outside of the bread turns brown," she explained.
"That's not even the worst part," Morron continued. "Once the pita is baked, a machine with a razor-sharp blade slices off a sliver of the bread at the top, in order to create an opening for the pita pocket."
PETA intends to lobby in Washington, D.C., to reform the way that pita bread is manufactured.
"We'd like to see the knife procedure abolished," said Morron. "It's cruel and unusual treatment of bread."
Asked why PETA, whose mission is to protect animals, is so concerned about bread, Morron replied, "Obviously, we care because pita sounds like PETA. We have our own interests at stake here. We don't want people to get confused and think we're the ones abusing the bread."

Bush Seeks UJA Help on Social Security

WASHINGTON, DC--President George Bush, under pressure from both Democrats and Republicans to find ways to guarantee Social Security benefits for the future, has turned to the United Jewish Appeal-Federation of Jewish Philanthropies for assistance.
Bush met at the White House this week with top UJA-Federation officials who have spearheaded successful fundraising campaigns.
"Let's face it," Bush said to reporters after the private meeting, "Jews know how to raise money. I admire that. And if they can do it for their own people, they sure as hell can do it for our nation as a whole, too."
Rob Launder, UJA executive vice-president, said he believed UJA-Federation could meet the President's goal by employing a time-honored, traditional Jewish strategy.
"UJA will soon kick off a nationwide Social Security pledge campaign," Launder announced. "In essence, it will work like a shul fundraiser, only on a national scale. All citizens who plan to collect Social Security in the future will be required to make annual pledges to themselves now."
Launder explained that pledges would begin with a minimum of $18, but there would be no maximum.
"People who pledge over $18,000 to themselves will have their names and pledge amounts announced at an annual gathering at the White House," said Launder.
Asked what UJA would do if someone failed to make good on their pledge, Launder replied, "We'll do what we always do. Hound them until they die."

Christmukkuh Spawns More Holidays

NEW YORK--Following the success of their new interfaith holiday last December, the creators of "Christmukkuh" are now designing other celebrations that combine Jewish festivals with coinciding Christian or secular holidays.
Easter and Passover, both spring arrivals, will be morphed into "Eastover," said husband-and-wife planners Eeza Yid and Sheeza Shiksa.
"On Eastover eve," explained Yid, "participants will search for chametz (leaven) by hunting for painted eggs."
"The traditional Eastover greeting will be, 'Gut yontif, Pontiff!'" added Shiksa.
The January holidays of Tu B'shvat (Jewish Arbor Day) and Martin Luther King Day will be merged to make "Shvat’ze Luther King Day." Participants will plant trees in memory of the slain civil rights leader.
In March, St. Patrick's Day and Purim will be combined as "St. Purim's Day." This new holiday, like the two it is based upon, will be marked by heavy drinking.
The May holidays of Mother's Day and Yom Ha'atzma'ut (Israel Independence Day) will be joined as "Mom Ha'Atzma'ut," a day when participants celebrate their independence from their mothers.
Plans are also underway to morph two October holidays, Succos and Columbus Day, into "Succubus Day." Plans for its observance have yet to be finalized.

"Fiddler" Bends to Gay Tevye

NEW YORK--"Tradition," the lively opening number from "Fiddler on the Roof" that describes turn-of-the-century life in a Russian shtetl, has taken on some new traditions of its own in the latest revival of this celebrated Broadway musical.
Because actor Harvey Fireflame, currently starring as Tevye the milkman, is openly gay, the show's authors have made several script adjustments.
"When the musical question is asked, 'Who must raise a family and run the home so Poppa's free to read the Holy Book?,' the new answer is 'The other Poppa,’" said "Fiddler" lyricist Sheldon Nudnick.
Additional changes were made by the show's book writer, Joseph Shteig, who renamed many of the story's characters and locations.
"Anatevka is now called Analtevye," said Shteig. "And Tevye's daughter Faigy is now Feigeleh. In fact, all of Tevye's friends are Feigelehs, too."
The locale where Tevye and Laizer Wolf, the butcher, celebrate Laizer's engagement to Tevye's daughter Tzeitl has been changed from the local Russian inn to an all-male singles' bar.
Villagers position themselves on bar stools whose seats have been removed as they sing "Some Rise, Some Sit."
The tender love song formerly sung by one of Tevye's daughters is now sung by Tevye's estranged gay boyfriend, who croons "Far from the Homo I Love."
Thus far, the general consensus of both cast and audience members is that the changes have improved the show.
"Opening night was faaaaaabulous!" chirped Fireflame. "Everyone came to my opening, including the entire membership of my gay synagogue, Shalom al Yisroel."
"Many in the shul are fellow actors," he noted, "and we're very supportive of one another. They come to my openings, and I come to theirs."

Rabbi Abolishes Kiddush

BALTIMORE, MD--In response to growing concerns in the Jewish community over alcohol abuse and teenage drinking, the Orthodox Union has issued a ban on all forms of kiddush.
"We mean business," said Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Wineripped, executive vice-president of the OU.
Wineripped announced that, effective immediately, all shul kiddushes will be abolished.
In addition, participants at Friday night meals must go straight from singing "Shalom Aleichem" to the motzie, or eating of the bread. Kiddush over wine will be skipped.
Wineripped noted that the kiddush ban would not be restricted to food alone.
"There will be no more kiddush levana, which shuls have had on a monthly basis," said Wineripped, referring to the traditional blessing of the new moon recited outdoors.
"I'm talking no hot kiddush levana, and no cold kiddush levana," the rabbi emphasized.
In addition, the new edict forbids the practice of kiddush Hashem, or sanctification of God's name.
The kiddush ban will even impact on the study of gemarah, or Talmud.
Said Wineripped, "We have eliminated the tractate of Kiddushin, which deals with Jewish marriage laws. No hot Kiddushin, and no cold Kiddushin."
When asked how yeshiva boys would now learn about marriage, Wineripped replied, "They'll learn like boys did before the gemarah was written--from National Geographic magazine."

Scientists Find Adar the Punniest Month

TEL AVIV--Researchers at Tel Aviv University recently completed a three-year study of the Hebrew month of Adar and concluded that it is the punniest of all months.
Playan Wurdz, an Israeli-born linguist who headed the study, said that Adar was prone to more puns than all other months in the Jewish calendar.
"Our research was an Adar success," said Wurdz. "There has been no Adar study like it anywhere."
Asked how he felt about the results, Wurdz replied, "I feel Adar this world, like I'm floating in Adar space."
The scientists based their analysis on Adar II, a Jewish leap month that occurs seven times every 19 years. Wurdz explained that the results would have been the same, however, had Adar I been analyzed instead.
"It's six of one, and a half dozen of the Adar," noted the linguist.
Wurdz said that he tracked the data closely, lest he make an error that would skew the results.
"I didn't want to wind up at confession saying, 'Forgive me, Adar, for I have sinned,'" explained Wurdz. "That would have been an Adar disaster."
Wurdz indicated that his next study will involve dairy cows. "After all, they have Adars, too," he noted.

Rabbis Ban Indian Wigs

CALCUTTA--Rabbis from around the world convened in Calcutta this week to announce their ruling regarding the recent controversy over the wearing of sheytls, or wigs, made of Indian hair.
After lengthy deliberations, the rabbis concluded that the wearing of an Indian-hair sheytl is definitely forbidden.
"The hair in an Indian wig was originally donated to the temple here, which practices idolatry," declared Rabbi Burnham N. Dastreet. "Therefore, the hair is forbidden for use by Jewish women."
The rabbis expressed concern that some women might unwittingly sin by wearing wigs that they are unaware came from India.
To prevent this calamity, the rabbis issued guidelines for recognizing when a woman is wearing an Indian-hair wig. These include:
• She puts curry in her cholent.
• She insists on lighting Shabbos candles at 7:11.
• She buys her wigs at K-Mart as a red-dot special.
Rabbi Dastreet noted that an Indian sheytl need not be thrown away or burned, however.
"Idolatry in hair can be exorcised by washing the wig in Brooklyn water and hanging it on the Flatbush eruv to dry," said Dastreet.

Book Review

Carrots Yisrael:
Jews, Food, and the Holy Land
by Groisse Fresser
Shlocken Books, 146 pp. $29.95

In her new comprehensive history of Israel, author Groisse Fresser explains how food played an integral role in the establishment of the Jewish State. The very name "Carrots Yisrael," she points out, literally means "a land in a tzimmis."
Fresser begins with the dream of Theodor Pretzel, who twisted arms to get others to support his vision. He was aided by Rabbi Abraham Isaac Coke, whose bubbly personality brought Jews together.
When Israel became a state in 1948, its first president was L'chaim Weizman, who was happy to toast the joyous occasion. However, his prime minister, David Ben-Gherkin, quickly found himself in a pickle. Under Arab attack, Israel was defended by its new army, a combination of the old Irgun and Haagen Dazs.
The book covers the 1960s and '70s in great detail, starting with the term of Prime Minister Levi EshCola, during which time Israel won the Six Day War led by General Moshe Dijon.
In 1969, new Prime Minister Gulden Meir mustered Israel's spirit even further. She was aided by Israeli ambassador Abba Ebanana, who kept his eyes peeled.
Later came Menachem Bagel, a well-bread leader who was always 'round when kneaded. Israel then fought the PLO in Lebanon, led by General Oreo Sharon, who sought a peace agreement in black and white.
The book also examines the administration of Yitzhak Shmeer, who tried to butter up both Likud and Labor in the K'nishet. Shmeer later shared power with Shimon Pears, who sought peace between Arab Anjou.
The book ends with the administration of Prime Minister Benjamin Nut'n'Yoohoo.
As Fresser writes, "Israel was 50 years old by then, but she didn't look a day over foody."
This tome is a must-read for anyone interested in Israel and food. It even includes both music and lyrics to the popular Israeli song, "Hava Teq

WELL-KNOWN RABBI IS SUPECTED OF NOTHING

A well-known Rabbi from the New York Metropolitan area, who was a mohel for over 20 years, worked for two decades as a regional advisor to a teen outreach program, taught in local yeshivot for over a decade, founded and headed a camp for developmentally handicapped children, and served as a communal rabbi counseling dozens of divorcing women and helping them to get their get, was investigated by this newspaper for over three years. After interviewing over 200 witnesses to his activities, we have concluded that this man is above reproach and is suspected of absolutely nothing.

His name is being withheld in order to spare him and family members any embarrassment.

MADONNA REACHES HIGHEST LEVEL OF KABBALIST

Madonna, also known as Esther, has been promoted within the Kabbalah Centre to the highest level Kabbalist one can achieve without rabbinic ordination. This makes her the equivalent of a high priestess of Kabbalah.

In her new role,she has the power of making mystical incantations. Some Kabbalists of previous generations used this power of incantations for "t'chiyat ha'meitim" - reviving the dead - in extreme and rare conditions.

It was rumored that Madonna may use her new power to revive her career.


ISRAEL DISENGAGES FROM GAZA; YOSSI DISENGAGES FROM HINDY

Prime Minister and Chief Fat Guy Ariel Sharon promised this week that Israeli plans to disengage from Gaza are moving forward, and are on schedule for early July.

In a totally unrelated story, Yossi Schmeklowitz announced his disengagement from Hindy Shpiegelzich. An early July wedding has been canceled.


NEW WEBSITE FOR JEWS WHO REALLY SHOULD NOT MATE

Jewish Matchmakers around the world have witnessed a huge rise in the number of shidduchim – or matches – made via the internet. Sites like Frumster, J-Date, and Saw You at Sinai, are facilitating chasonos – or marriages – that were impossible only 15 years ago.

But the problem of weeding out singles who are just not fit for living with because of repulsive looks or habits, still persists. How does one know if the person they are e-mailing via J-Date doesn’t really weigh 350 pounds or eat their own boogers – or weigh 350 pounds from eating their own boogers?

A solution has finally emerged with the creation this week of a new website, YouShouldHaveDrownedAtTheRedSea.com. A name, picture and description can be placed on the site if the person has at least three different nominees within 24 hours. The picture stays up as long as one new person endorses the candidate each week.

Singles looking for that special person on J-Date can cross-research their prospective spouse on YouShouldHaveDrownedAtTheRedSea.com to see if they are a certifiable loser.


ARIEL SHARON RELEASES MORE PALESTINIAN PRISONERS; LOSES WEIGHT

Prime Minister of Israel and Huge Flip-Flopper Ariel Sharon released 150 more Palestinian prisoners this week. Sharon stated that while it seemed that many of them had Jewish blood on their hands, it turned out that it was mostly ketchup.

The Prime Minister released 68 prisoners from under his shirt and 82 from inside his pants.


NATAN SHARANSKY ENDORSES PRESIDENT BUSH’S BOOK

After receiving countless endorsements and accolades from President George W. Bush regarding his book, “The Case for Democracy,” Natan Sharansky reciprocated this week by endorsing a book written about (but not by) the President.

“Although the book can be read in less than 10 minutes,” Sharansky commented, “I think it gives the reader great insight into the mind of the sitting president.” Although he thought the art work was primitive, Sharansky quickly added that he felt “everyone should read ‘Curious George Goes to the Hospital.’ “


NOW YOU SIYUM, NOW YOU DON'T!

Since the 9th completion of the Talmud in a 7 1/2 year cycle back in 1997 was held for the first time in a large arena - Madison Square Garden - there has been pressure on Agudas Yisroiel, sponsors of the siyum, to outdo themselves in each subsequent event.

This year, the Daf Yomi Commission, as they are effectionately known, decided to combine Broadway flair with rabbinical greats and invited master grand illusionist, David Copperfield, to entertain the more than 120,000 people who attended the siyum "live" in 75 large venues around the world, connected by satellite. As one of the speakers droned on in yiddish way past his alloted time, Copperfield, who had previously made the Statue of Liberty disappear, dropped a huge black mechitza type curtain in front of the dais filled with over 200 giants of Torah. When 3 seconds later the curtain lifted, the speaker and the entire dais had disappeared! Copperfield got a huge ovation as the audience cheered wildly and immediately launched into ma'ariv and went home.

The next day, the Houston Chronicle reported that 200 ZZ-Top look-alikes had mysteriously appeared in black cowboy hats and spurs in the middle of a rodeo corrall in Houston the previous night.
************************
ZEN JUDAISM

* If there is no self,
whose arthritis is this?

* Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

* Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the third, a danish.

* Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

* Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?

* The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."

* There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

* Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.

* The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

* Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight. You'll never meet the
Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

* Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

* Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving
kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you
to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate and not stir
until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
*************************


[]

THE SEINFELD PURIM CHRONICLES

by Meish Goldish

Cast of Characters
Mordechai...............…....…..Jerry
Esther...................….......…..Elaine
King Achashverosh..………..Kramer
Haman................…........…...Newman
George.................….......…..Himself


Prologue: A Shushan Nightclub

Mordechai: When you think about it, the whole Purim story is really
about nothing. After all, Purim means "lots." "Lots" means "plenty." And
everyone knows, "I got plenty of nothing." Of course, Megillas Esther
isn't the only book about nothing. In Ecclesiastes it says, "Everything is
nothing." If Shakespeare had written Ecclesiastes, he would have called it
"Much Ado About Nothing." But that's a different story.
***********************************************************

Scene 1: The Royal Palace

(George enters, sees King Achashverosh)

George: Hey, K-Man. How's it going?

King: Terrible, George, terrible. Last night I threw a big party, and my
wife Vashti gave me the snub. Said she wanted to break up with me.
So I pulled a preemptive break-up. I told her, "Sorry, Vashti, but I'm
breaking up with you!" I had her beheaded.

George: Way to go, K-Man! You've got hand!

King: But now I've got no queen. I'm lonely, George, lonely!

George: Cheer up, Maestro. You're king of the castle! Master of your
domain! You've got the kavorka! Here's what you do: Hold a contest for a
new wife. Choose a woman with thick, lustrous, cascading hair. And skin with
a pinkish hue. Very important.

King: Giddyup!
***********************************************************

Scene 2: On the Street

(Haman approaches Mordechai.)

Mordechai: (sneering) Hello, Haman.

Haman: (sneering) Hello, Mordechai. I see you're not bowing down to me
again today.

Mordechai: That's right, Bubble Boy. You can forget the bow-down. I'm
not becoming Latvian Orthodox. And I'm not celebrating Festivus, either.
Anything you demand of me, I will do the opposite. And you might consider
losing that three-cornered hat.

Haman: Okay, Mordechai, that's it! No soup for you, little man! I'll
talk to the king, and yada yada yada, you and all your people will be
killed. The Jews will suffer significant shrinkage. Not that there's
anything wrong with that!

(Haman exits. George enters.)

George: Hey, Mordy, why so sad? Share, share.

Mordechai: It's Haman. He's a rabid anti-dentite. I hate him!

George: Got to hate the Haman. Can't stand him! Let's slip him a Mickey.

Mordechai: Forget Mickey! He wants me killed, Biff. If only he were
killed instead. We must plan…the Switch! But don't tell anyone!

George: Trust me, Mordy, it's in the vault.
***********************************************************

Scene 3: Mordechai's Apartment

(Buzzer rings.)

Mordechai: Who is it?

Esther: It's me.

Mordechai: Come on up. (Esther enters.) Snapple?

Esther: Can't. It's the Fast of Esther. So, cousin Mordo, what's all
this about?

Mordechai: Haman is planning to kill all the Jews.

Esther: (pushing Mordechai away) Get out!

Mordechai: We've got to stop him, Esther. The king is interviewing for a
new queen today. You must apply!

Esther: But what if I don't get the enthusiastic "hi"?

Mordechai: You'll get it, you'll get it! You've got grace!

Esther: Let's just hope the king is sponge-worthy.
***********************************************************

Scene 4: The King's Bedroom

(King Achashverosh paces.)

King: I can't sleep tonight! I'm flippin', I'm floppin'! And these
pretzels are making me thirsty! Guards, who's outside? (George enters.)
George, I'm thinking of redoing the whole palace in wood. With levels. By
the way, what should I do to honor someone special?

George: That's easy. Dress him in a puffy shirt and cotton Dockers, and
let him be ensconced in velvet. Then have him ride the royal pony once
owned by Jon Voight.

King: Yeeesss! And you'll pull the pony, George--for Mordechai!

George: Me? No, I've, uh, got a job interview that day with Vandelay
Industries. As a latex salesman. (Snaps fingers.) I know! Let Haman pull
the pony!

King: Giddyup!
***********************************************************

Scene 5: The Royal Palace

(Esther appears before the king.)

King: It's my beautiful new wife! Helloooo! Talk to meeee! I just signed a
decree to kill all the Jews. Keep the pen. Now, how may I help you,
uh...Mulva?

Esther: That's Esther, you hipster doofus! I'm inviting you and Haman to a
meal at the coffee shop.

King: How about soup at Mendy's?

Esther: Soup isn't really a meal. We'll have the big salad, risotto,
calzones, chocolate babka, muffin tops, apple pie, the black-and-white
cookie, Junior Mints, Pez, Jujyfruits, Snickers, salsa, seltzer, paella,
and a marble rye. Plus coffee, which doesn't really mean coffee.

King: Giddyup!
***********************************************************

Scene 6: The Coffee Shop

(The King, Haman, Esther, and George sit.)

King: So then it hits me: A bakery where you make your own
hamantashen--with poppy filling! I'll call it "Poppies."

Esther: Yeah, that's great, King. But someone at this table wants to
kill all my people. He even built gallows to hang my cousin Mordechai.

King: Who would build such a thing? He is a veddy, veddy bad man!

George: Don't look at me, baby. I only pretend to be an architect.

Haman: It's not you, George, it's me. (on his knees) Please, King
Achashverosh! I'll be your butler! I'll do anything! Just don't kill
independent Haman! Spare my life!

King: I can't! I won't! The K-Man hates the Hay-man! Now you must swing
from your own gallows.

Haman: But--but...those gallows aren't real. They're fake!

Esther: No way, Haman! They're real, and they're spectacular!

Haman: Fine, kill me. But don't hurt my ten sons! My boys need a house!
Serenity now, serenity now! (Mordechai enters.) Hello, Mordechai. Thanks to you, I'll be swinging from the gallows.

Mordechai: That's a shame. I guess that'll make you a bit of a high
talker.
***********************************************************

Epilogue: A Shushan Nightclub

Mordechai: If you ask me, Megillas Esther should really be called
Megillas Mordechai. After all, Mordechai is really the take-charge
guy. He's like Superman, and Esther is Lois Lane. Haman is Lex Luthor,
Achashverosh is Perry White, and George is Jimmy Olsen. Lois may be cute,
but Superman does all the leg work. Except, of course, when he's flying.
Superman is the true hero of Purim. The man in the cape. The only way Lois
equals him is that they both wear tights.
***********************
[Another Classic! - this time by Lee Weinblatt]

A Purim Story

I keep hearing how Americans watch too much TV and how it impacts their outlook on almost everything else they do. I find this claim to be ridiculous. In fact, I just turned off the TV set so that I can clear my mind and, once again, review the story of Purim.

A long time ago, there was a King of the Hill named Achashverot. Not only did he rule over Persia, but also he had a Wild Kingdom that extended to The Outer Limits of the civilized world. Even with his Bonanza, he was a victim of Arrested Development, relying on at least Two and a Half Men as advisors.

For the Jews of that time there was a Fear Factor, in that the King was the Law & Order for the entire kingdom.

To show off his wealth (and to celebrate the fact that the Jews could not go Home Again to Jerusalem), the King decided to throw a great party. He claimed There will be Entertainment Tonight, since I am The King of Queens, and Vashti, my Queen, will show Skin, Tonight, to a Full House. Vashti was less than Charmed at the request to offer Sex in the City and refused to appear Buffy. Vashti Vanished Without a Trace.

Without a Queen, people would start thinking that Achashverot had a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. The King was now a Bachelor, and decided to have a tryout for all the kingdoms Bachelorettes, to see who would be Queen for a Day.

Esther was an Angel, who lived a Simple Life with her uncle, Mordechai. If anything, she would look for an Average Joe to marry. However, her life in Smallville was interrupted when she was caught in the Kings Star Search for a new wife. Although she though she was Less Than Perfect, by the Third Watch, Achashverot claimed Im With Herand she was selected to be the next Queen.

As was The Practice of that time, Esther was brought to The Big House, to be given an eleven month Extreme Makeover. There was no question that they made an Odd Couple, but Esther was a Survivor and was told by her Uncle Mordechai to keep her Jewishness hidden from her Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé.

Mordechai was no Apprentice, himself, but was part of the Kings ministers. He led a Surreal Life, being The Guardian of Esther, who had an Alias, in that no one in the Court knew she was a Jewess. While Keeping Up Appearances, Mordechai overheard a plot to kill the King. He warned The Court, and the plot was foiled. However, instead of making The News, this feat was simply recorded in the Kings book of records.

A chief minister of the King was The Millionaire, Haman. He was Young and Restless in terms of wanting power. Most of all, he hated the Jews. Since Mordechai refused to bow to Haman, there was no Love Connection between them. Haman wanted him dead.

Haman, crafty as a Fox, realized he couldnt prosecute the Jews in The Peoples Court, so he worked on the King. He told him that the Weakest Link in his kingdom was the Jews, who werent Friends of the King. He convinced the King by saying Today, we should choose a Dateline to rid ourselves of these people.The King replied Thats What I Like About You.They took a lottery and selected a date. Eight Simple Rules concerning the eradication of the Jews was sent throughout the kingdom, and everyone agreed they wouldnt want to be Trading Places with these poor people.

As Time Goes By, Haman prepared for Mordechais execution. He figured The Wheel of Fortune was going his way and prepared a tree for Mordechais public hanging. Meanwhile the Jews heard about the Kings plan for their destruction and each person feared for My Wife and Kids.

While Esther was getting by with her Will and Grace, Mordechai warned her that they were all in Jeopardy. You must go to the King and plead our cause,said Mordechai. This isnt a Blind Date in which I could go to the Full House and talk to the King about our Just Cause,said Esther. If the King doesnt feel like a Family Guy, Im dead. Why dont you Just Shoot Me?But Mordechai insisted that All of Us were in this together, and she had to go to the King.

Esther went to the King, and instead of having a Family Feud, he welcomed her. She asked if in 24 Hours he and Haman could join her for a party in The West Wing. The King enthusiastically answered, Yes Dear.Haman was Extra pleased that he was invited. Its like were All in the Family.

During those 48 Hours, the King couldnt sleep, not even for 60 Minutes. He tried looking out over the sea, but even his Baywatch couldnt make him drowsy. Finally, he had his aid read from the Early Edition of his records, and he was told about Mordechai never being rewarded for saving the Kings life. This is not a Cold Case,said the King, As The World Turns, I will rectify the situation.

Haman was on his way for a Late Night visit with the King. When the King asked him how should one honor a deserving member of the court, Haman described a great Makeover of clothes, jewelry and a public parade. Dont Curb Your Enthusiasmsaid the King, Do it all for Mordechai. Haman was not in 7th Heaven over the change in plans.

Later that night, Haman was having Reasonable Doubt about how well his plans were going. However, he prided himself that the Jews would soon be History. Tonight is the Queens party, and Ill be honored,thought Haman. He didnt have 20/20 foresight.

The Late Show with the Queen started with Esther pleading with a drunk Achashverot for her life and for that of her people. Haman was Touched by an Angel and fell on top of Esther in a very uncompromising position. Haman said, ER, Im sorry,but the King exploded like a Nova. Just then, an aid said that Haman had prepared a hanging rope for someone. The king said, Whos Line is it?When told it was for Mordechai, The king ordered Haman hung instead.

Mordechai and Esther were now in the Frontline of correcting all that Haman had planned. All the cities were informed that there was a Late Show to the original orders, and that the Jews could defend themselves. Word also got out that the Jews now had members in very high places who would protect them, since Its All Relative. Cheers were heard in all the Jewish homes and a great celebration took place.

Although some thought that the saving of the Jewish people was just the result of the Real World and how it works, we all know Its a Miracle from Hashems kindness and forgiveness.

There, you see, all my TV watching has had no adverse impact on my outlook on the world. However, Marcia tells me if I turn on the tube one more time, well be in Divorce Court.

A Happy Purim to all.

Best wishes,

Marcia and Lee Weinblatt
Teaneck, NJ
*************************
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a
problem." Dr. Saul, "So tell me about the dog and the problem." "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty. "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks. "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and
says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. Then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?" Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."
*************
And yet ANOTHER version of the Purim story:

Updated Purim Story

And it was in the days of Achashveirosh, that is, Achashveirosh who was
the ADMINISTRATOR of 127 SITES, from www.hodu.com to www.kush.com. In the
3rd year of his administration, Achashveirosh made a feast for AOL. Those
on his BUDDY LIST he wined and dined with every PERIPHERAL. His wife,
Vashti, made feast as well, @ which time her hubby commanded her to come show off her BARE BONES VERSION to all his drunk CLIENTS. She refused and he DELETED her for it.

Soon after, Achashveirosh regretted DELETING his wife, and
conducted worldwide SPAM, BROWSED worldwide MESSAGE BOARDS, and GOOGLED
in search of the prettiest maiden for him to marry. At long last, Esther
was found and crowned. Naturally, they posted their picture on
www.OnlySimchas.com.
Mordechai, Esther's uncle, got hold of the FAX that Bigson and Seresh, two malicious HACKERS, sent that were AIMing a VIRUS at Achashveirosh's HARD DRIVE. Esther immediately alerted Achashveirosh, and the episode was SAVED and ARCHIVED. At this time, Haman the anti-Semite, was given a raise and everyone had to MODEM (bow down) to him. Only Mordechai refused to do so,because Haman wore an ICON around his neck; this angered
Haman and made him want to RAM all the Jews' heads in! Haman convinced
Achashveirosh to BACK him UP by offering him some CACHE and by telling
him, "C D Jews are disloyal citizens" yada yada; so Achashveirosh gave
Haman his PASSWORD and told him to use his administrative privileges as he
saw fit.

Haman was so excited("YAHOO!") that he LOGGED IN right away and
e-mailed everyone he knew, telling them kDOS uk'din (it was legal) to DELETE every last Jew on the INTERFACE of this earth. He even set aside a specific DATA kill them. Mordechai the JUNO-d what was going on, so he put on his torn BOOTs, rags, and ashes, and designated day of fasting and of prayer (of course, telling them to make sure to say each WORDPERFECT - ly. He also told the Jews to NETWORK for the next three days and concentrate on arousing Hashem's (the Almightys) pity. Last, he sent an INSTANT MESSENGER to tell Esther to beg Achashveirosh to reconsider his decision.

So Esther went to Achashveirosh and gave him and Haman an IM INVITATION. At the party, Achashveirosh offered up to her half of his administration, but Esther simply invited him to another party the following day to chap arein (shop around) for another few BYTES.

That night, Haman built a gallows on which to hang Mordechai, because
he was so annoyed that the latter didn't MODEM to him. Simultaneously,
Achashveirosh realized he just SCAN't sleep, so he asked his servants toDOWNLOAD all his ARCHIVES and see if anyone that deserved a reward didn't get it. They noticed Mordechai's HOME PAGE, and Achashveirosh resolved to take action that very night.

Well, Haman was at the door then to get permission to hang Mordechai,
and Achashveirosh asked him what to do to honor someone special. Haman, thinking it was surely himself being referred to, said that the person in question should be led through the streets on Achashveirosh's TROJAN HORSE, wearing Achashveirosh's best garments. Achashveirosh, without even bLINKING, said, ".COM on, hurry up and do ALT that for Mordechai!" Needless to say, Haman FROZE. Haman had no choice but to go ahead with it, and while he was leading Mordechai through the streets, his daughter thought that it was Mordechai leading her father and she dumped the RECYCLE BIN out the WINDOWS on Haman's head.

When he got home and repeated all this to his wife, she told him "Since
that acCURSORed Mordechaiis a Jew, UNIXed it. Your downfall has just begun."

Haman didn't even have time to elaborate because he was summoned to
Esther's party, stinKEY as he was from the whole ordeal. And Esther had him in the PALM of her hands: she told Achashveirosh that Haman was planning to kill her and her whole nation. Achashveirosh got so mad that he ordered Haman and his ten sons to be DELETED on the tree that Haman prepared for Mordechai.
The Jews were SAVED, and Achashveirosh even allowed the Jews to DELETE
those out to get them on the date that Haman set aside.

So the Jews lived happily ever after; what the Jews XPected to be a
tragedy turned into a day of great joy. So every year we try to UPGRADE all MISSING RAM and send the LATEST VERSION OF CLIPART and THEMED PROGRAMS to family and friends alike.
**************
*********************************
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