jokes

[davidfcooper]

THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.



The waitress asks him for his order.



The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the



exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the



same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. "The usual?" asks



the waitress.



"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and



a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,



"That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me



sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your



pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes.



My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a



million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want



for as long as you live!"



That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers,



"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs
who agrees with everything I say.

****************************************************************************************


>SNORING DOG...
>
>A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
>wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
>to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
>
>"Yeah right!" she says.
>
>That night a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring,
>as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
>
>Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of
>red ribbon
>and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the
>dog stops
>snoring! The woman is amazed!
>
>Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
>drinking
>with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins
>snoring loudly
>
>The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him. So she
>goes
>to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around
>her
>husband's testicles.
>
>Amazi ngly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
>
>He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
>
>As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and
>sees a blue
>ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks
>back
>into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's
>testicles.
>
>He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
>where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and
>second place!"

**************************************************************************************
>> The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they
>>had
>>covertly funded a multi-state project with auto makers where black box

>>voice recorders were installed in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and
SUV's in

>>an effort to understand the last 15 seconds of a fatal accident.
>>
>> The Board was surprised to find the recorded last words of
>>drivers:
>>in 46 of the 50 states were all the same: "Oh, SHIT!"
>>
>> Only the states of Montana, South Dakota, North Dakota and
>>Wyoming
>>were different, where the final words were:
>>
>> "Hold my beer,I'm gonna try somethin'."

Comments

[anaisdjuna.livejournal.com]

These are cute! :-)