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THE MOVIE VERSION OF THE STORY OF PURIM

This is a Cliffhanger and Never Ending Story about a time when there was a Clear and Present Danger to the Jewish people. In fact, they had Titanic problems due to Alien and Ruthless People who tried to destroy the remnants of Israel and a King who was willing to use Intolerable Cruelty and Maximum Force against us.

The Day After a major party, the King of Persia, Big King Ahasuerus, was sad that he made an Executive Decision and had banished his wife, although With Just Cause. Clueless, Ahasuerus didn’t even have Basic, Artificial Intelligence and wanted his Princess Bride to appear Naked before all the nobles at the party. However, due to an Outbreak of leprosy, she refused. She almost was a Corpse Bride, but at the advice of a bunch of the King’s Grumpy Old Men, he banished her for not listening to his order.

His Wedding Planners told him that the only way to cheer him up would be through Stealing Beauty, and having another woman appointed as the new Queen. The king had a Fatal Attraction for Little Women who were Drop Dead Gorgeous. Esther, a real Bambi, who’s Godfather was Mordechai, was a Pretty Woman and caught the eye of All the King’s Men, and was brought into The White Palace. While she was a 40 year old virgin, she looked Forever Young. Against All Odds, the king was Bedazzled and Blown Away and she was Trading Places with the old Queen.

At the advice of her Uncle Mordechai, a Real Genius, she followed her Basic Instinct and made The Promise to keep the fact that she was Jewish to herself. This was a Risky Business in that she would be Sleeping With the Enemy, an old King who certainly lacked a lot of Sense and Sensibility. It was truly Beauty and the Beast. Since the King believed that wives were Cheaper by the Dozen, Esther soon stopped seeing the King.

A Not So Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, in that The Devil’s Advocate, Haman, was furious that Mordechai did not bow down to him as he was paraded through the streets. Haman, An Officer and a Gentleman of the court, went to Ahasuerus and convinced him that the Jews were The Enemy Within and that he should make an Executive Decision to terminate the entire Jewish population with Extreme Prejudice.

Haman was In a League of his Own, a real Psycho, in that he was willing to spend a fortune to remove the people who he called “Barbarians at the Gate” of the Persian Empire. He claimed to have a License to Kill and took a Lottery to pick the date for The Execution, considering this to be Payback for his insult by Mordechai.

Mordechai was Nobody’s Fool and was not Running Scared. In fact, he was A Real Hero. Much earlier, he was The Witness to the fact that some Ruthless People were trying to assassinate the King. He went, with Speed, to warn the King about these deadly Whispers in the Dark. Although he was A Hero, Mordechai never received his True Reward.

One night, While He Was Sleeping, Ahasuerus woke up not from Insomnia, but because he realized that something was wrong. His servant read him a list of unrewarded Acts of Kindness to which the King had Total Recall of Mordechai’s heroism. He asked Haman what should be done to someone to wish the King hoped To Honor. Thinking Ahasuerus meant to honor him; Haman described a parade To Die For. Ahasuerus then demanded that Haman and Mordechai Trade Places, and that this Superman be paraded through the streets With Honors.

The next day, Mordechai told Queen Esther about the plot to kill all the Jewish people. He told her that she had to participate in Risky Business, be a Braveheart and approach the King. Esther became as white as a Ghost. Esther realized that this was a Mission Impossible. She told Mordechai that this was not Protocol, and if she were not received by the King, there would be No Way Out, No Escape but that she would be killed.

After all, “The King and I have not seen each other for a while. For The Two of Us to be Together Again, would cause Jaws to drop At the Palace.” Mordechai reminded her of The Predator, Haman, and said “My Girl,” it’s up to The Two of Us. “Dear G-d, she said, I need Another 48 Hours, The Day After Tomorrow, and before I Dance With the Wolves, have everyone Pray for Me that I am successful.

It was the Longest Day. Within 48 Hours, Esther took her Charade and went see the King. Normally, If Looks Could Kill, she would have already been executed, but instead, the King received her (It was Love Actually) and said “I’ll Do Anything for You.” She invited the King and Haman to her party, and Ahasuerus gave her The Benefit of the Doubt and accepted the invitation.

At the party, Esther turned out to be a Party Crasher. She turned to Haman and said, “I Know What You Did Last Summer” in that you lied and said that the Jews were an Enemy of the State. Haman realizing that he had No Escape. Without a Flight Plan, he suddenly had the Tremors. When Ahasuerus heard that Haman hoped to kill Esther, he gave The Verdict and said to Hang Em’ High on the tree outside. He wanted him to Die Hard, With a Vengeance. This was to be his Final Destination. In Haman’s case, not All Dogs went to Heaven. No one said “Goodbye and Good Luck.”

The Postman spread The Word that the Jews should go Back to the Future and Short Circuit Haman’s plan and defend themselves against their enemies and allow the Jewish Empire Strike Back. They used Lethal Weapons and Maximum Force to defend themselves. Esther, the simple Working Girl, was now the true Queen of Persia. At least for the moment, the threat against the Jewish people was Gone With the Wind.

HAPPY PURIM