2 jokes

Jun. 17th, 2006 04:41 pm
davidfcooper: (Default)
> *One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call
> girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a
> brunette, and a redhead.*
>
>
> *
> To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States... How
> much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied,
> "Two hundred dollars."*
>
>
>
> *
> To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One
> hundred dollars."*
>
>
> *
> He then asked the redhead the same question.*
>
>
>
>
>
>
> *
> **The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as
> high as my taxes... get my panties as low as my wages... get that
> thing of yours as hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas
> prices... keep me warmer than my apartment... and... screw me in
> private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it
> ain't gonna cost you a cent."

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

> *After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb,*
>
>
> * a fellow commuting passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the
> country.*
>
> * "It was difficult at first," the man replied,*
> *"but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."*
> * *
>
> * The passenger was astonished. *
> *"A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"*
> * *
>
> *"Sure," said the Southerner.*
> * "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."*

2 jokes

Jun. 17th, 2006 04:41 pm
davidfcooper: (Default)
> *One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call
> girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a
> brunette, and a redhead.*
>
>
> *
> To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States... How
> much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied,
> "Two hundred dollars."*
>
>
>
> *
> To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One
> hundred dollars."*
>
>
> *
> He then asked the redhead the same question.*
>
>
>
>
>
>
> *
> **The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as
> high as my taxes... get my panties as low as my wages... get that
> thing of yours as hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas
> prices... keep me warmer than my apartment... and... screw me in
> private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it
> ain't gonna cost you a cent."

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

> *After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb,*
>
>
> * a fellow commuting passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the
> country.*
>
> * "It was difficult at first," the man replied,*
> *"but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."*
> * *
>
> * The passenger was astonished. *
> *"A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"*
> * *
>
> *"Sure," said the Southerner.*
> * "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."*
davidfcooper: (Default)
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro

Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth

grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,"Government of the

people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the

earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than

you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the

teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If

you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to

Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the

floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
davidfcooper: (Default)
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro

Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth

grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said,"Government of the

people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the

earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than

you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,

1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the

teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If

you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to

Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the

floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!

canoe race

Mar. 6th, 2006 07:30 pm
davidfcooper: (Default)
> A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a
> canoe race
> on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
> peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a
> mile.
>
> Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and depressed. The
> American company decided the reason for their crushing defeat had to be
> found. A Management Team made up of senior executives was formed to
> investigate and recommend appropriate action. They discovered that the
> Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American
> team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
>
> The American Management Team hired a consulting firm to assist in
> analyzing this data, happily paying their considerable fee. After six
> onths of hard work, the consulting firm concluded that too many people
> ere steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people were rowing. So
> the American Team acted:
>
> To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following year, the team's
> management structure was totally reorganized, to include 4 steering
> supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
> superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance
> system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to
> work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with
> meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an all-out attempt to
> further provide empowerment and enrichment's to the rower, new paddles
> and medical benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a victory in
> the next competition.
>
> The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
> Management Team laid off the rower for poor performance, halted
> development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital
> investments for new equipment.
>
> The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a
> job well done."

canoe race

Mar. 6th, 2006 07:30 pm
davidfcooper: (Default)
> A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a
> canoe race
> on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
> peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a
> mile.
>
> Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and depressed. The
> American company decided the reason for their crushing defeat had to be
> found. A Management Team made up of senior executives was formed to
> investigate and recommend appropriate action. They discovered that the
> Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American
> team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
>
> The American Management Team hired a consulting firm to assist in
> analyzing this data, happily paying their considerable fee. After six
> onths of hard work, the consulting firm concluded that too many people
> ere steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people were rowing. So
> the American Team acted:
>
> To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following year, the team's
> management structure was totally reorganized, to include 4 steering
> supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
> superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance
> system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to
> work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with
> meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an all-out attempt to
> further provide empowerment and enrichment's to the rower, new paddles
> and medical benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a victory in
> the next competition.
>
> The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
> Management Team laid off the rower for poor performance, halted
> development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital
> investments for new equipment.
>
> The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a
> job well done."
davidfcooper: (Default)
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one"

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you
answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face,

(SCROLL DOWN)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair"
davidfcooper: (Default)
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one"

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you
answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face,

(SCROLL DOWN)

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair"
davidfcooper: (Default)
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done
since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His
results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use
human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by
drowning
the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them
from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students
failed His
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
mountaintop.
davidfcooper: (Default)
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done
since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His
results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use
human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by
drowning
the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them
from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students
failed His
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
mountaintop.
davidfcooper: (Default)
Read more... )
davidfcooper: (Default)
Read more... )
davidfcooper: (Default)
A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
davidfcooper: (Default)
A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

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